Dear Recruiters

6 Sep

My name is Andrew Goldenberg, and I am an experienced backend developer from Ottawa, Ontario Canada.

You seem to pay a lot of attention to the buzz words on my LinkedIn profile and not very much else, so let me answer some of the most frequently asked questions.

Do you know Java?

No I do not.

Can you add Java to your resume?

No I will not.

Even if it means being considered for position x?

No. I do not wish to be considered by your client as a candidate based on false pretenses. Do you think we like to look like complete idiots on the first day at a new workplace?

I understand that a large portion of people lie on their resumes and that it gets them through the door but it’s a revolving door that will soon put them out on their ass.

What languages can you write in / function in?

I’m sure if you read my profile you’d already know the answer to this.

Do you have any experience with WordPress?

Nope… sorry… What’s wordpress?

Honestly guys. If you’re going to even try to waste my time without even glancing at my profile for the information you seek, then don’t bother me with your “FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITIES with MASSIVE GROWTH POTENTIAL”.

Now let’s talk more about the fantastic opportunities you want to tell me about! if you can’t tell me the following about the job, please don’t call / text / email / smoke signal me.

  • Who is it working for?
  • What is their culture like?
  • What is the pay / benefits?
  • What technology stack  do they work on?
  • Where’s the office?

If you can’t answer those for me, then why am I going to spend my time on a potential dead end? If you’re not OK with disclosing that information, then I’m not OK spending my time with you so that you can sell me to a company that I don’t even want to be at. I don’t do arranged marriages.

Sorry, not sorry.

Andrew Goldenberg